A very Personal Blog.

So I decided I would write a Blog about the things Tristan and I have been going through recently in our lives. This is definitely not something I have talked about to many people at all. The select few I have opened up to about this have been so supportive to me and Tristan and I couldn't be more thankful!

Ever since Tristan was about a year and half of, I definitely realized there was a significant speech delay. Everyone kept saying, "All kids are different" and "He will talk when he's ready." Everything Tristan did Physically, was always one time or ahead of time! So it was definitely a surprise when he wasn't talking like the other kids. So, I let it go. Listening to what everyone else said. I gave it a couple more months. But about 6 months ago, I went to Tristan's Doctor, and after not having speak more than a couple words I expressed my concern for his language. His doctor referred us to Speech Therapy. Apparently, Speech Therapy is only covered unless your Child Has been diagnosed with a Disability, or it's a result of injury. Otherwise, I would be paying the 150.00 copay for his weekly speech therapy sessions! SERIOUSLY?? Frustrated and not sure where to turn, my god sent friend Virginia referred me to a Company Called Baby Net. Baby Net is a free service which pays for everything your Insurance doesn't cover. IE- EVERYTHING! So Tristan has been seeing his Speech Therapist for weekly Visits for the last couple months! I have notices a significant amount of progress, but so far Tristan has been diagnosed with a Receptive and Express Language Delay, AKA MRELD. Along with the delays Tristan has had Verbally, there's been some tenancies that I have seen from him, and behavioral trates that are not "Normal." and I don't hold my son to "Normal" standards. But, there are somethings that are concerning when it comes to behavioral issues, and the things he does.


I decided to write this because tomorrow, Tristan has a Meeting with the Division of Autism.

I don't know at this point, if the things be has been going through can be considered Autistic, or if there's something else going on. I have been really persistent with getting Tristan as much help as possible. And, I am proud of the goals he has been reaching.

I am curious about the outcome tomorrow. I am not looking for sympathy! I just wanted to let my close family and friends know what's going on. Since I haven't really been open about it, until I find out the results of tomorrows assessment. I look at this as a positive situation, no matter what the outcome. I am very open minded and I am only concerned about getting Tristan as much help as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. We appreciate your support.


Stephanie.

Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to-

I don't make Pinky Promises.. My sisters and I ever since we were little made Sister Bonds. It has more meaning than a Pink Promise. And the Last Sister Bond I made was actually a Promise to keep a secret. So sorry, I wouldn't be able to share. That's confidential information only!


I love you girls!
Your Big Sister and Confidant-

Stephanie

Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Daniella,

You and I have been talking a lot more recently, and I am thankful to have you as a friend. I feel so terrible about your brother. With the way you talk about him, I wished I had to gotten to know him too. I can't imagine the struggles you and your family are going through daily. I will be here any time you need a friend, or someone to talk to! I know you're a strong woman! I do cherish the friendship we are building and I can not wait to meet that beautiful little girl you have! She now has an Angel to watch over her.

Stephanie

Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory

I will have to edit this one later. I really need to think about this one. I have so many wonderful memories. I don't know that I could think of a favorite

Day 23 - The last person you kissed.

Dear Tristan,

You are my life. You are the only thing that keeps me sane. My world could be crashing down around me, and all you would have to do is smile, and everything would be okay! You are my motivation. I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw you. Some times you drive me crazy and do things you shouldn't do, but I can't help but chuckle when I think about the things you do. I couldn't imagine my life with you. You make Mommy so entirely happy!


Love always,

Mommy!

Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to

This is not a Letter I can actually write to someone. I honestly give everyone multiple chances. That's just the kind of person I am.
I may forgive. But, I never forget.

Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression

This doesn't go out to any specific person, honestly it's our nature to judge people. Although we say we don't.. we really do. And I have judged wrongly more than one time. There are some people who I think are wonderful when we first meet, and come to find out.. They're all smoke and Mirrors. And then there are people who I dislike.. and then I get to know the real them, because they're guarded and shut off. They usually end up being really awesome people. I'm sorry if I judge you, I really don't mean it. But chances are.. You judge me too!

Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear Patrick,

I couldn't believe you were gone. I've already written about you. But, you changed my life forever. I have never felt so empty and alone until you left. I miss you so much, and I think of you often. Even though we were just kids, I will never forget you. Your memory lives on with me forever. I am sorry we didn't get to grow up together the way we planned.

I miss you.

Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad

Dear You,

Yes You. Why do you do this to me? You build me up.. I know you're lying. I let you lie. Why? Because I like the things you say. I love to hear the things you tell me.. Real or fake. I wish the things we talked about were true. I wish things would magically fall into place and we could do all the things we always wish we could. But realistically, we both know it would never work out. You will always be the Sweet talking, know just the right kind of thing to say Foot Ball Player. Although we've grown up, and I have known you for as long as I can remember.. I will always be your bench warmer.. And Sometimes, I am okay with that.

Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be

Dear Person I wish I could be,

How can I write to something I am never going to be. I like who I am. I'm not a bad person. I love life, and the I love the life I live. I would say ridiculous things, Like.. I wish I was the kind of person who would do dishes after dinner.. But the fact of the matter is.. I don't.. I like after Dinner when Tristan decides to tackle me, or decides he wants to snuggle on the couch and point to his belly to show me how full he is. I mean these are ridiculous things that have no actual meaning.. The Dishes Can wait, I'm a good person, with a good heart.. And I don't care who you are, I am PROUD of me.. If you've got a flat tire I would stop to see if you needed to use my phone to call for help. If you were sitting outside of a McDonalds and cold and I know you have no money and you were hungry, I would buy you food. If you needed a place to stay for the night because you and your boyfriend broke up and you have no place else to go.. I would let you sleep on my couch. I wouldn't want to be anything but me. I have my flaws, and I live with them. They're what make me, ME! So forget the wishes, I am who I am, because that's who I want to be!


Owning who I am,

Stephanie.

Day 17 - Someone from your childhood

Jessica,

You were my first ever best friend! I have so many memories hanging out when we were young! We were basically inseparable! It's amazing where life takes you! I wish we were able to talk more, but things definitely aren't what we thought they would be. I know when I moved we promised to stay in touch, and we tried for a little while, but it's nice to be able to talk to you occasionally. I wish you the best! Thanks for all the fond memories!

Stephanie

Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state

Please refer to Day 15.

Thanks

Day 15 - The person you miss the most

How can I chose Just one person! I miss everyone from Florida. I can't believe I can't see you all the way I want. It's hard having to miss some of the most important times in my friends and families lives! I truly love you all and I can't thank you enough for those of you who have kept in touch with me since I have been gone! You are all so wonderful! And I can't tell you how grateful I am for each and every one of you. You know who you are.

Voiding a Car Seat Warranty!

This has nothing to do with my 30 Letters in 30 Days blog, But as a parent, I feel like this information should be out here. So apparently you can't have any strap adjusters, car seat covers, those head stabilizers! I had absolutely NO idea. I definitely recommend before using these items you contact your Car Seat Company and check into their recommendations and warranty information.

Aftermarket products alter the seating of the straps, how far away from the plastic frame of the seat the baby sits, etc. The testing that is done on any seat is done with that seat EXACTLY as shipped, with (or without) strap covers, etc. The big problem with aftermarket covers is that they are typically a different thickness or softness than the original cover. That means that in a crash, the new cover will compress and shift in a different way than would have happened with the original cover. This could theoretically place the child in danger. The worst-case scenario is an aftermarket cover that's very soft and puffy (which is often exactly what parents want). The parents put the baby in the seat, often in a nice soft puffy snowsuit or coat, and in order to fit everything in they have to loosen the straps. They tighten the straps enough to look and feel correct, but in a crash the soft cover and the soft coat compress, making the straps suddenly very loose. The child can experience much higher crash effects or even "squirt" right out of the straps in that (extreme, but possible) situation.

Knowing the physics of it, I think the least dangerous but still cute cover would be one with NO padding, just the thickness of a bedsheet or something. However, car seat experts have a blanket non-recommendation of ANY aftermarket products (including sheepskin or padded strap covers, those little head stabilizers, any Bundle-Me-type "coats" that are any thicker than microfleece, etc). For the same reason, they strongly recommend against puffy or padded coats or jackets.

Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from

Dear Thomas,

I don't know where things went wrong between us. We were so close for so long. We could talk about everything. We would give each other relationship advice, and threaten each others boyfriends/girlfriends and say that they hurt either of us, we would hurt them. We spent summers together, and talked all the time! I can't believe I don't know anything about you anymore. I can't believe we don't talk. I can't believe I've seen you ONCE in the last 5 years on accident. I hate not being able to call you when something isn't going right, and I need your advice or your Man perspective. I wish I could get that friendship back. I wish things didn't happen the way they did. Most of all, I wish I could get my cousin back. I miss you. We're family.


Your Cuz,
Stephanie

Day 13 -Someone you wish you could forgive

This doesn't apply to anyone. I always forgive, I just don't forget. Just remember what goes around comes around



-Stephanie

Day 12 - The person that caused you a lot of pain

This was originally going to be for a specific person, but they are so unimportant in my life. I decided not even to waste my time in speaking about the feeling I felt at one point. Because that part of my life is gone. So... I decided to write about the one person who can get themselves in said situations to be hurt.


Dear Self,

I guess, I would never me better than anyone else. Usually any pain that I go through is usually self inflicted, from lack of judgment and naivety. I put my self in situations with people who I KNOW will hurt me. I don't know why I feel the need to fix people. Or feel like they will change when they've made the same mistakes 500 times before. If people don't change the first time, they never will. I don't understand how you can stick around in situations where you allow yourself to be hurt! One day, I will stop trying to make everyone else a better person and actually work on myself. I've also learned, no one else can make fun of you if you make fun of yourself first. It's definitely my coping mechanism. I really try not to look in the mirror and criticize every detail I feel like I hate but I do everyday. I hate that! I wish I could be happy with myself. I hate that I can't wake up in the morning fresh faced and messy hair and feel confident. I wish I could truly accept my new body! I hate that when it comes time to talk about, I make it a joke. Maybe one day you will come to terms with who you are inside and out.


Me!

Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grandma,

Mom always tells me how I remind her of you. I am sad I never got to meet you. But every time I sang, I felt proud when mom said that's what you would do. I wish I could have had your guidance growing up, and be to spend time getting to know you. One time a lady told me there was a spirit following me around, when the lady described the woman following me, my mom said she described you. There have been times in my life where I don't think I would have been alive if someone wasn't looking out for me. There are so many things I would love to ask you, I know one day I will get the opportunity, until then, I think of you often. I hope I am making you proud!


Love Stephanie


also,


Dear Patrick,


I can't even tell you how often I think of you and that terrible accident. We were so young. I didn't believe anyone when they told me you were gone, not even my mom. I cried for hours I had never felt so much pain before. I wish I could have been there for you. I may not have known it then, but I love you. I think so much about you, it's not even funny. I am so sad I didn't get to say goodbye. Sometimes I will have a random thought about you, and I know you're with my some how. Still that spunky little boy, who thought me and Alyse were witches because we predicted rain. I miss you, and I can't wait to see you in heaven, there's no other place worthy enough for you.
Love always, your best friend..

Stephanie the Witch.

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like

Dear God.

You never let me down, and you never fail me. I know you've given me my path, and throw obstacles and detours in my way, so I can learn to ask for guidance. I know when times get difficult I come to you, but I also know you're there during the in between. I should come to you more often, so I can get closer to you. I am going to try and talk to you more often, so I can make sure my detours in life aren't too far off, and when it comes to those obstacles they're a lot easier to handle. Thank you for everything you do. Especially when you don't always give me what I want, but exactly what I need.

You're always in my heart.

Stephanie.

Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet

There's no specific person. I want to meet someone Honest. Someone who will tell me the truth when I ask for it. Someone who knows Omission is still lying. Someone will accept my family for what it is. Someone who will stand up for what they did no matter if it's wrong or right. Someone who is confident, and secure enough with themselves to not try and control me. The harder you squeeze the harder I fight. I need someone who cares, not only about themselves but other people. I would like to meet someone who wants to move forward, and takes steps in that direction. Someone who isnt' all about talking about what they want, but who strives for what they want. Someone who believes in love. Someone who believes in God. Someone who has faith. I want to meet someone who's trusting. I want someone who will give me space when I need it. I want to meet someone with a passion, for anything! Someone who is a lover of life. Someone who wants to gain knowledge. Who seeks for bigger and better things, but is content and grateful for what they do have. I want to meet someone who will accept me for who I am. Someone who will accept that I have flaws, someone who accepts I do NOT have a body like Heidi Klum. I wish I could meet someone who will compromise with me. I don't mind meeting in the middle. I would love to meet someone who isn't just a taker, but a giver. I want to meet someone who will look at me, just me.. and tell me I am beautiful inside and out. I want to meet someone who will take my experiences in life, and not look at them as mistakes but who will look at them as a part of the growing process it took for me to become who I am today. I want to meet someone who will Laugh me, and Cry with me. I want someone who will Stand beside me. I already have God in front of me, and my family behind me. Just take my hand. I will be yours. You're probably only in my dreams...


Patiently waiting,

Stephanie.

Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend

Dear Caity,

This only pertains to you because I haven't seen you in so many years, and the only way we have to communicate right now is either online, or through the phone. We have been through so many things since we were younger. The Fact that you were my boyfriends sisters bestfriend, and then we dated brothers is so weird! We always manage to keep in touch even though drama and time always drifted up apart. I am glad we are older now, and can make sure none of these things interfere with our friendship again. I did miss you during the time frame we didn't talk. I hate that I wasn't able to be there for you during the birth of your first born, and you for mine! I guess it was fate/destiny/karma that keeps reuniting us! I can't wait to finally see you again, and that precious baby boy..

Till we see each other again-

Stephanie